Remembering
by Daemonette19
Summary: After helping the Wookies free themselves from Czerka. Avery and Carth settle thing between them at the victory party.Another of my snapshot moments that occurs either between scenes from the game or during. KOTOR LSF


Avery absently brushed a lock of dark hair back behind her ear and leant closer over her work. With tiny, fine stitches she was carefully closing the lightsaber slash in the black material.

"I don't understand how you can do that. Kill a man, strip him and walk off with his armour." Carth sat down beside her, both hands wrapped around a wookie sized cup. "Are you really going to wear it?" For once his tone wasn't hostile and she leant against him companionably.

"You do realize you're wearing Daviks?"

"Well, yeah, but it's just the chest plate and I didn't have to sew up the holes I put in it first"

With a weary smile she bent back to her work, "Carth, Who cares who wore it first, Canderous thinks it's a trophy but it's not. It's simply making use of a useful item. Not leaving it in the forest to rot. And it soothes me. Sitting and doing this type of work. I'm so tired lately"

"Me too. I … I never thought I'd have to help the save the galaxy. Never thought I'd be on the Wookie homeworld celebrating with a kid twi'lek, a mad mandalorian, three jedi and a feral old guy. Sounds like the start of a rude joke" With his chin he indicated Mission and Canderous sitting with a group of older Wooks. The girl was cheerfully translating the older males war stories though every now and again she turned a little green while they laughed uproariously.

Watching the group her familiar crooked smile appeared, "He's not as bad as you want to think, you know"

"I don't know what you mean"

"He can be very gentle and kind and he understands a part of me that I don't always like. Sometimes you have to be ruthless and hard. Canderous knows that, Carth and he doesn't turn away from me" She sighed seeing his stubborn face and went back to her sewing.

"I just…just thought on Taris…" He took a ragged breath and deep swallow of his drink, "I said before that you were the most infuriating woman I ever met but what I didn't say was… you just may be the most intriguing as well. You know more about me than anyone in a long while. You twist what I say and argue and tease and get me so riled up and at the same time I'm happier and more relaxed than I've been in a very long time. I've been a real pain in the neck lately, I probably will be for a while. I see you with him and I worry. I take it out on you and that's not fair."

He looked down at her, Avery was worrying her bottom lip and staring up at him with wide, dark eyes. A log broke in the bonfire and the resulting shower of sparks suddenly made her seem very young and her eyes very violet.

"Just how old are you?" He hadn't meant to blurt it out, he just desperately wanted to distract her from he had just said. To take away that almost fearful expression on her face when she looked at him.

Blinking she answered, "I don't know, not exactly"

"How can you not know your own age?" He sighed silently in relief to have her flash that crooked smile at him again.

"I'll be talking about my smuggling days. Can you put up with it, Mr Goody two-shoes?"

"Yes I can, little miss Jedi"

She froze, "Now that's something I never thought I'd hear. It doesn't bug me exactly but it's odd to hear"

"Didn't you _want_ to be a Jedi"

"I don't think I am really. I mean my training was rushed, no matter what they say." The look Avery directed at him then was pure mischief "The truth of the matter was that my first thought was that it would piss Bastila off something chronic and it did" With a self-satisfied smirk she leant back against him. "I'm a creature of primal thoughts really. I want to be able to punish those that hurt those I care about. I want Saul nearly as much as you … and Malak. We had friends on Taris, people who protected and befriended us. I want them to pay for taking them from me, for hurting them. Bastila says that that's of the dark side but I just can't forgive or forget. Do you think it's easier to forgive a person their sins before you kill them? At least you have the knowledge that they won't be doing it again"

"I don't know. Firing on another pilot is different from watching the face of someone you take down with a pistol or vibroblade. When you're face to face it's more real"

"I hate it. The killing. But I won't let you get hurt. I won't let any of my friends come to any harm. I cry sometimes when I'm fighting. I can feel the tears on my cheeks but the other person's face never blurs" This last was a soft whisper barely audible over the sound of the celebrating wookies.

"I know. It's how I know that your still … you. That whatever you went through on Dantooine, whatever you and Bastila dream of, you're still there. I've never known anyone as compassionate as you are or pigheaded."

Carth smiled himself at her startled laughter, low and rich, it seemed like forever since he had last heard it. "So you were saying?"

"I was?", quizzical.

"About how old you are?"

Sticking out her tongue she laid the long forgotten cloak beside her.

"I suppose it was too much to ask for, that your flyboy brain had forgotten that"

"Yep"

"I had a little smuggler's craft, fast, sleek, not real heavy on the armament or hull plating. The Bad Penny. Every cred we earned got invested back into her engines or a few specialty deck modifications. We did a lot of work on her ourselves."

"We?"

"My partner and I…Any way long story short…. A weapons run went bad, real bad. We were carrying some experimental stuff. I hadn't organized the run so I wasn't as informed as I should have been. The actual job itself went smoothly…"

"You stole the stuff as well!"

"…MmmHmm It was the only way I could be sure that no-one would betray us at a drop-off. Anyway in and out quickly, neatly, we had changed a number of ident tags and shipping logs. The crates were delivered straight to the bay, packed neatly in the ship, I signed the forms and off we went. We were just heading out the system when someone fired at us. I still don't know if it was pirates or the authorities, another player with a grudge perhaps. The Penny was hit in the aft engines just as we were heading into hyper-space. My…My partner did the best …" She scrubbed frantically at her eyes for a second. Carth stayed quiet, just a warm soothing presence at Avery's side. "We crashed…duh… I don't remember much, before or after. Apparently a Republic scout ship was in the system…don't even know which … Saw us go down. I was in a kolto tank for months afterwards. So badly burned that they identified me from DNA. I didn't have any fingerprints to take, too much burning to run a facial recognition sequence." Avery smiled sadly up at him, "I was real banged up, as Mission would say.

My injuries were extensive to say the least. Skull fractures, broken bones, pulped organs." Her voice wavered. "They showed me pictures. I thought I was being asked to identify the body of my friend. So" Another sad smile" After I was better, as better as I was going to get, even with Republic med tech and a Jedi on board, I was pretty well useless and in the arms of people who were going to lock me up. Some bureaucratic egghead had a great idea and they sent me down a proposition. Tell them what I knew, remembered I should say, hidden hyperspace routes, clearance codes, alternate paths and they'd clear me. Not a pardon but a fully fledged deletion of all criminal records and I had a few apparently. I was signed up, inducted. My pay docked for outstanding medical fees and given a uniform. Welcome to the Republic." Avery swung her arms out in a grand gesture that belayed the sarcasm of her words. "It was carefully set up so that I couldn't leave. I don't think the brass read the medical reports very well though. I can't remember much. There are gaps in my childhood, of my family, my friends. I don't say partner because I'm trying to protect someone. They're dead they don't care. I remember being with someone. I had to of. I don't pilot real well. I don't know who, no name, no face, not even a sex, nothing. Just a vague feeling of affection."

Turning worried eyes to Carth she continued, "It's still happening. Fade outs, blurry feelings. Sometimes I'm talking to someone and I have no idea what I'm talking about or worse … I come back as I pull my weapon from someone and there's blood or that lightsaber burnt flesh smell and I have no idea what I've done. Sometimes I'm terrified to look down at whoever I've killed in case I recognize their face. In case it's yours or Missions, Juhani's … she trusts me so much." Her voice faded, her face taut with her fears

"You don't worry it will be Zaalbar or Bastila. Maybe T-3?"

"No"

"The Mandalorian"

"No" Her voice caught

"Why not?"

"I've talked with T-3 and Zaalbar. They both could take me down if I attacked. Bastila … may have … not deserved but instigated it somehow and Canderous." Her face softened. "I don't know if he could take me down. We're well matched when we spar but he would try. If he was killed I would know that he had fought back, had defended himself not been struck down innocently. If he won, I would know that you were all safe. He would be the first I think." Haunted violet eyes gazed up at him.

"No more … Please no more" She retreated into silent sobs. Shoulders shaking but no tears, the fact that she repressed even this worried him. Wrapping arms around her Carth held her close. She felt fragile against him, as if too much pressure could shatter the ribs, stark against his palm.

He hadn't realized. She hid everything, her doubts, her weakness, her pain. If he was ever asked to describe her he knew that it would be impossible. It was as if she felt too much, thought too much. He had thought that before on Taris and Dantooine. That in feeling so much, experiencing so much of the worlds and cultures and people she visited, something must be hidden if only to stop her from going mad. But to feel so much and not know why. He knew now why she asked so many questions. Not just a passion to learn everything but to make sure that that knowledge was secure. So deeply and thoroughly known that it could never be lost. That she could never be lost.

He smiled then. Never had he known someone with such a useless sense of direction. Avery was always lost, he wondered now if it was because she had to concentrate so much on who she was that where she was no longer seemed to matter.

Heavy thoughts, inappropriate for a victory party. Finishing his drink in one gulp, he pulled Avery to her feet. "Come dance with me" he gestured to where Mission was leading a protesting Zaalbar around in circles and a surprisingly adept Jolee was holding a laughing Juhani. Even Bastila was smiling as she watched T-3 rock back and forth and shoot coloured sparks for a number of young wookies. Leading her between laughing, singing Wookies, Carth reached their friends. "Can we join in?" he smiled and he and Avery were quickly accepted in the group. The night passed in celebration, dancing and singing echoing through the trees.

Feeling somehow closer to each other then before Carth and Avery stayed together, exchanging smiles and soft touches throughout the night. It seemed natural later on that as the party was dying down they moved together towards a dimly lit hut. As they undressed each other Carth stopped, sucking in his breath with a sharp hiss. "I thought you said he was gentle?" He traced a dark purple bruise on her upper arm with his finger. Avery pulled his hand to her mouth, kissing his knuckles and softly tracing circles along the back of his hand with her tongue. Looking up at him she asked, "Do you really want to know?" Holding her to him and kissing her deeply Carth rasped out a no, before pulling her down to the bedroll.

Avery woke during the small dim hours of the morning, Carth a warm presence against her back. She waited for her eyes to adjust, unconsciously knowing that there was no danger. Canderous stood not far away watching her, the long black cloak hanging in his arms. Silently he held out a hand to her. Carefully moving from next to Carth, Avery made sure he was well tucked in before pacing silently over to the Mandalorian. Resting a hand on his shoulder she stretched up and kissed him gently on the cheek. With an all too rare smile, Canderous wrapped her in the thick material and hoisted her slight frame into his arms.

He made his way back to the Ebon Hawk, carrying her with surprising ease and Avery laughed in delight when she saw the hold they usually sparred in. Secreted behind the swoop bike and a number of storage crates was a tiny area just big enough for the both of them. Spare mattresses and blankets had been "liberated" from storage holds and a number of fur pillows and throws Canderous had traded for on Kashyyk created a bed big enough for both of them and much more comfortable than the bunks in the crew quarters.

"It's so comfortable?"

"Old bones" he grated back before settling her down. Palming off the lights Canderous joined her in the bed. Curling himself around her he wrapped both brawny arms about her, holding Avery securely against him. With a soft kiss pressed to the back of her neck she felt him relax into sleep, some of the tension he carried with him draining away.

It was strange how different her reactions to the two men were. How she rarely experienced any moments of blurriness or forgetfulness with Carth while she often found herself looking at Canderous with no idea how she had arrived there. Tonight had been unexpected, on both their parts, Carth's interest and understanding and Canderous acceptance. Strange again how Carth's hands on her seemed to help mould and contain her. Helped her stay focused, helped her feel safe and normal and whole, not damaged and incomplete. But Canderous … Canderous arms around her helped keep everyone else safe. He woke at the slightest movement but his body was heavy enough that should she want to move out of his arms and away it would be a struggle. Asleep against the burly Mandalorian she would never wake in an unknown area or with bodies at her feet. Here she could relax and let someone else watch over her. Pressing herself further back into the circle of his arms Avery slept and was content.


End file.
